COWS AND LADDERS

Renu woke up in a cold sweat on hearing the alarm. She was thankful that her nightmare had been disrupted by the faithful alarm. She had been dreaming that a snakes and ladders game was going on in which she was the coin moving up the ladder and sliding down a cow instead of a snake.

Hearing some commotion outside her fourth floor apartment, Renu idly opened the door to have a look. There seemed to be some house warming ceremony in progress in an apartment on the same floor. Loud mantras were being hurled by energetic purohits to discourage bad spirits and drive away ghosts. Suppressing a yawn,Renu was about to close the door to start her daily routine when she saw her in the yet dim sunlight- a healthy well built cow.

It seemed to be Renu’s day for cows. She had been sliding up and down a cow in the nightmare and now here was another one in flesh and blood, brought obviously for the housewarming.

She looked at the cow with trepidation. The cow also glared right back. The poor animal had every reason to be upset, having been rudely awoken and dragged up four flights of stairs in the wee hours, but it was quite unreasonable to hold her responsible for its misery, thought Renu, unaware that the cow was seeing red in her flame colored maxi.  That was the last straw for the much harassed cow.

The cow was now scratching the ground with its forefeet, a cow’s battle-cry equivalent of the conch or trumpet, used by humans. Within seconds, before Renu could bolt back inside, she charged at full speed.

“Aieeeeeeeeeeeeeee…..,” shouted Renu as she took off at jet speed in the corridor, wondering even in this predicament how her flat feet could be so fleet footed? Though she had the initial advantage over the cow in the race, Renu found herself cornered when they reached the end of the corridor. As Renu looked for escape options, she could have sworn that there was a triumphant ‘got ya’ type of grin on the cow’s face. Then she spotted the elevator and pressed the button . But the moment the doors of the elevator opened, in rushed the cow, before Renu could react. As she gasped in horror, the doors slowly closed, with cow inside.

Even before Renu could recover from the shock and collect her wits about her, she saw a fat,silk sari clad woman approaching , obviously to the elevator. The sari was rich red in color.

The silk mami looked haughtily at the Renu. Her nose crinkled in contempt at the maxi clad Renu.This woman, who was probably on the way to a wedding was quite obviously pleased with her own rich appearance.

When Renu,still speechless in shock, tried to block her way, Silk sari asked impatiently, “What do you want?”

“k..kkk…kkkk!” said Renu, helplessly. “What do you mean, “kkkkkkk…. Now move out of my way!” said mami and pushed the button.

“ Cow!” roared Renu finally and just had time to see Silk sari’s face which had reddened on being addressed as cow. But Renu, who knew what was coming ,didn’t stay back for any more explanations. She fled from the scene, to avoid scenes of blood and gore and having taken shelter in her flat, watched the proceedings from a safe position.

“Aieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!……..” shouted a now familiar voice as the silk sari lady ran at jet speed, past Renu’s flat, her precious sari now hitched up very unladylike. The cow, which had suffered the additional ignominy of being shut up in a mini chamber, was now in a very bad mood indeed.

But Renu couldn’t help admiring the fat lady. If Renu’s flat feet were fleet footed, so were Mami’s fat feet. She ran up and down the corridor, screaming at the top of her voice. The priests, who had just finished driving away the spirits were appalled that one was probably missed. Silk sari ,however was giving the cow a run for its money and would probably won all the rounds, but alas! she slipped and fell over some cow dung in the corridor. As she got up trying to salvage her pride and her precious sari, the owners of the apartment where the function was going on,came running to her rescue.

All ended well like in Holly and Bolly wood movies. The militant cow was whisked away, after assuaging its hurt feelings. Silk sari mami,who had missed her wedding feast was invited to lunch by the house warmers ,(after washing and changing, of course). Renu got herself a new friend that day.

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DONKEY BUSINESS

While walking home, Sonny was suddenly aware of an uneasy feeling that someone was following him. He turned back to see but could not make out anything initially in the fading sunlight. When he paused boldly and had a second look, he was shocked and amazed to see a quadruped- a donkey to be precise- close at his heels. “Shoo! Scat!” He shouted, to no avail. The donkey seemed to have taken a fancy to him.

Reaching his bachelor home quickly and bolting the door securely, Sonny then peeped out hopefully from his balcony, hoping to have dodged his new fan… but no, it was still there, looking dumbly up at him.

His friends had a whale of a time, ribbing him about his new pal. “Must have seen a resemblance to its long lost brother, poor thing!” said Appu, rolling over in laughter.

“I warned about this online chatting with strangers; see what he got!” said another.

It went on like this in Sonny’s flat, but the faithful donkey refused to budge. Sonny was furious.

“Are there no… er vet. Psychiatrists to examine this beast’s head?” he asked, which only increased their mirth. “Sonny wants a shrink to put his donkey friend on a couch!!” they shrieked in laughter.

“You people are useless, I will go ask Venu,” said Sonny. “Venu! he is an ass himself,” guffawed his friends, as Sonny walked out,  faithful donkey in tow.

 Like in the rhyme, wherever Sonny went, the ass was sure to go.

Venu was more sympathetic. He listened carefully with his finger tips together, like a detective.

“Since when did you notice this happening, this sudden show of affection of the quadruped?” asked Venu finally. “About two days back,” replied the much stalked Sonny.

Like a local Sherlock Holmes, Venu then asked Sonny, “Now think very carefully-did you do anything new that day or maybe the previous day?”

Sonny, after some thought, said, “Nothing special except that I started using a new perfume I had bought some time back”

“That’s it!” exclaimed Venu in excitement, adding, “Ha ha ha!Your new scent is attractive to asses, it seems.”

Though annoyed, Sonny was also glad that the problem had been identified. “What do I do now?” he asked.

“Which friend of yours was teasing you most?” asked Venu, with a cunning look on his face.

“David,” said Sonny.

Laughing aloud, Venu said, “Ok, do as I tell you. Go home and have a good bath first,, and then…” he whispered something in Sonny’s ears conspiratorially. Both had a good laugh together.

Next day, a small gathering consisting of Sonny, Venu and some selected friends was able to witness and enjoy a rare sight:

An unsuspecting David, his full body smelling with the fragrance of Sonny’s perfume was walking on the street below, followed by an entire family of doting donkeys.

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CALL AND LIVE

After pondering for a long time, Arun decided to make the call to the Suicide -Prevention Help line before taking the final step-There was nothing to lose anyway. With gun in one hand and a suicide slip in the other, he dialed.

An electronic voice immediately came on line…

“Hi! Thank you for calling Self-destruct Prevent Center.”

“ Press one if you plan to use poison, two for gun, three for knife, four for drowning……”

Amused at this, Arun pressed two.

“Press one if you are neurotic, two if psychotic, three if bi-polar, four if OCD……”

Slightly irritated, Arun continued by selecting an option.

“Press one if gay, two if lesbian, three if bisexual, four if transvestite, five if none of above…”

So on it went till finally a human voice came online, “Good morning, sir, how may I hinder you?”

“You have hindered me sufficiently already…Cancelling suicide, I am now toying with the idea of homicide! And you are number one on the list!”

“Glad to have been of help, sir. Unfortunately, homicide is not our specialty, sir.”

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LOON'S BOON

God was struck with Wonderment

As none under His Firmament

Had ever asked for a boon,

Such as wanted by Mr.Loon.

“Evolution, O Lord, I do hail;

But please return me my tail.

For, every time I see a monkey,

I turn green with envy.

Oh, Things I could happily do

If only I had a tail too;

Hang upside down from a tree

And read a book, swinging free!

Hold a cell phone or what I like,

With both hands still on the bike;

Drink coffee, tea or whatever,

Even while holding the newspaper.”

Hearing this from Mr. Loon,

God fell in a great swoon.

When last we heard-

Mr Loon

Is still awaiting his boon,

Hoping God will recover soon.

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BEWARE OF FLYING INNER WEAR!

Soman was happy. The young man was headed home for a brief holiday after a long time. As always, he was well dressed and took pride in his appearance. While walking home from the bus stop, he was day dreaming about how he would spend his valuable four days- the friends he was going to meet, the movies he would see and so on.

For reaching home, he had to walk by an apartment complex. A strong wind which was blowing that time dislodged a man’s underwear that was hung up for drying in the balcony of one of the apartments.

This piece of flying dress item landed securely on the unsuspecting Soman’s handsome shoulder. The young man who was blissfully unaware of the garment which now adorned his shoulder, walked home merrily.

Meanwhile, Soman’s large joint family was agog with excitement at the prospect of his coming. Meena, the younger sister was teasing her kid brother saying how Somananna was always very well dressed, “…unlike you untidy chap, Varun!”

Soman’s grandma, his paatti-wheelchair bound, though delighted at Soman’s coming, was worried about that day’s star forecast which said she should beware of missiles. Though enemy missiles were quite far away to cause concern, nevertheless she worried.

“Here comes our brother, Somananna!” shouted Varun in joy and rushed to greet him. As Soman entered triumphantly like a war hero, Varun and Meena took a look at him and started rolling in laughter. “What is it?” asked Soman annoyed at the sudden loss of heroism.

“Is it the latest fashion, brother!” asked Varun, giggling helplessly.

“Do you always carry...er… a spare like this, like a scooter tyre?” asked Meena .

“What’s all the uproar about?” asked paatti,wheeling her chair to the entrance, at the exact instant that Soman discovered his shoulder wear and threw it in anger and disgust. The much thrown underwear now landed on paatti’s face, causing another uproarious session.

Meena was rolling on the ground in laughter squealing, “Paatti’s forecast about the missile hit has come true!”

Paatti, though initially flustered, laughed aloud and said, “Soman’s forecast is also fulfilled-it was written against his star that he would have to shoulder an unusual responsibility today.”

The Soman household was thus plunged in sunshine and laughter by his arrival.

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HELL OF A PROBLEM

The CEO of  Hell was worried,

“Oh, oh! My fires are getting weaker!

If this goes on, how do I get on

With  the business of roasting my clients?”

Reluctantly, he approached the Earthlings

-His biggest client base,

And asked for a few pipefuls of Energy

To tide over his difficulties.

But Ah! The super smart Earthlings would have none of it,

But gave him a lecture instead;

On Upgradation
And Energy Conservation

And Environment Management

And Carbon credits… and so on.

Finally, rejecting the Chief’s plea,

They offered instead to deploy

Energy experts- on payment basis,of course!

The CEO of hell then rose up angrily to his full height;

Taking a deep breath, he said, “Save your lectures, Earthlings!

-Reason for the fuel shortage is the inordinate increase

In the number of rascals you have been dispatching down there;
-much higher than the installed capacity.”

Then with a royal shrug of his hellular shoulders,

The Chief added in a spine chilling tone,

“The choice is yours:  give me more energy,

Else I will send them right back to you-unroasted.”

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Just in Jest.

“Are you Sam, son?”

“No”

“Ah, then you must be Sam’s son?”

“No. I am Samson, son of Sam’s son.”

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IN A WHITER LEIN...OOPS...IN A LIGHTER VEIN

Elsie, a mild natured elderly lady was miffed with her husband about something and decided to complain to their family friend, Joseph- who, she knew would scold her husband. But being a true sishya of Spoonerism- like ‘hissing the mystery lectures’, ‘facing his wash’ etc- she could often get things mixed up while talking.

She complained to Joseph (who was hard of hearing) that George had “...spooned her pawns in order to gamble with the money”. 

Joseph was livid.

 “George, how dare you try to harpoon her for money?”

The absent minded George answered, “She is lying!- I hate prawns.”

God knows what Joseph heard, but he smiled, and patting George affectionately on the back, told the puzzled Elsie, “There! That’s settled then. The old boy won’t do it again.”

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THE DISCHARGE

Raju got an electric shock,

Went to see the local doc;

Doc took him behind a tree,

Made him sit on his car battery;

After some time, doc said,

“Now my battery is charged,

And you are discharged.”

But when doc submitted his bill,

Raju laughed to his heart’s fill;

Said:

“I charged your battery fully free;

Hence for me no doc’s fee.”

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The get together

One day, I happened to see a group of teenagers in our local club. Seeing one or two familiar faces, I casually walked up to them to see what they were up to.

“Hi uncle!” said familiar face.  I hi..ed back and asked him what was supposed to be going on.

“A get together, uncle,” said another slightly familiar teen with a bored look, and promptly lost interest in me.

 One of the boys seemed to be hitched or connected at the ear, head etc to many contraptions. I was alarmed as he appeared totally motionless. “Is he er… breathing? “ I asked one of them.

“He is listening to music, uncle!” answered one among them, in exasperation. The others looked at me wonderingly as if I was an inmate just escaped from Jurassic park.

“You said it is a get together!” I pointed out. “Yes it is, uncle, are you not seeing?”

What I was seeing was another teen, a girl, typing something feverishly on her ‘smart’ phone. She was ‘what’s apping’, I was coldly informed. A third one was chatting, another was chirping, all on their respective smarties. The gathered friends seemed to be totally oblivious of each other’s presence.

What was not happening-, as my Jurassic self could observe was- any tete-a tete, or communication among those gathered.

Before I left, I saw one poor young chap- looking lonely though in the middle of the group -armed with an outdated button mobile and apparently waiting for the others to be done with their activities.

Though it was none of my business, I was nevertheless tempted to ask, “What are you doing, my boy?”

Before he could answer, I said, “Oh I know! Get together.”  

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LINGUA-WOES

A Tamil gentleman nearly got clobbered when he appreciated the food served for lunch at his Telugu friend’s place. The poor guy innocently said ‘Pramadham’ which means ‘Excellent’ in Tamil, but unfortunately  means ‘Danger’ in Telugu!

‘Tamasha’ means ‘light stuff’, ‘Comedy’ etc in Malayalam, but beware if you use it flippantly with the Hindi speaking people. Indiscreet use of this word- which means a street dance or something in Hindi- is not received kindly by them.

The simple word ‘Avasar’- which also is a Sanskrit root word- means ‘Occasion’ in Hindi;  ‘Avasaram’  means ‘Requirement’ in Telugu; ‘Opportunity’ in Malayalam and ‘Hurry’ in Tamil!

There must of course be several such examples in the various languages ‘spooken’ in our delightful India.

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What's in a number?

 Those days, Shakespeare used to write, “What’s in a name?... a rose by any other name would smell as sweet”. Now the appropriate expression would be, “What’s in a number…?”

For, all of us are being converted to numbers.

Man is trying to make robots increasingly like him, but Man himself is getting increasingly machine like, being ever increasingly identified by numbers. From PIN to PAN, human identity is being hopelessly enmeshed in numbers.

You have to remember a bewildering number of numbers to transact any kind of business today.

Remembering your name is probably going to be just optional in the future! In other words, the days of the ‘Name’ are numbered!

The numerologist never had it so good! The astrologer’s loss is the numerologist’s gain. Now people will probably go for marriage matches to the numerologist instead of the astrologer—“ Does my son’s number match with that of this girl?”

In Banks and offices, machines have taken over the function of identifying people… by numbers, what else! Gone are the days when you could walk into any office, say a bank, be instantly recognized and received with a warm smile (Come, come. Rameshji--- etc). Now the scenario would be more like this: ---“Welcome sir, your credit card number please, your debit card number please, your ---- number please”, and so on.

 In the event of not recalling any or some of the numbers, the machine refuses to identify you, or grudgingly tries to recall your identity through your name--- as a last resort!

I pray the Lord that HE may not yield to this number-ful temptation and start numbering our Souls! Imagine God’s PA punching feverishly into his laptop, yelling, “Hey there! Number 12345 is about to arrive! –he is breathing his last!” 

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