LOOKING INWARDS

I hope I do not mislead readers into thinking that this is an article on a spiritual matter…….there are many Great Gurus for that…. who write and talk about the Inner Self, the Real Self etc. Also I do not pretend to lay claims to any great psychological insight in the lines that follow. They are merely random musings of an ordinary individual past his middle age. I hope at least some of you will agree with some of the things I am going to say.

Most among us are quick to form opinions about other people’s attitudes; mannerisms and behavior in general, aren’t we? We love to engage in this pastime either singly, with family, or in groups. We can be quite merciless too when we form or create such ‘images’ of others. Though we have been exhorted to ‘judge not’, we do that all the time.

Over a period of time, these ‘images’ or perceptions of our friends, foes or relatives crystallize and lo!, we claim that we ‘know’ him or her very well!

Thus, in any society, we define so and so person as miserly, someone else as eccentric, another as greedy….and so on. Often a single adjective suffices to describe an entire human in the circles in which the individual moves! Of course we can also be quite generous with some others when we attribute many positive qualities to them and even fit some among them with sagely halos.

How fallacious! That poor person whom we claim to ‘know’ and whom we ‘define’ has not evolved painfully over many Darwinian generations to be judged, classified and filed away in society’s image cabinets so casually. In reality can anyone be ‘known’ so accurately even after several years of close association? Many facets of a person’s total personality remain elusive in casual friendships and even sometimes in more intimate relationships. As we have all experienced sometime or the other, there can be surprising or unexpected behaviour even from ‘well-known’ people. Often, unfortunately, such surprises- if unpleasant- can lead to ruptured relationships.

That in turn leads me finally to the main topic of this article…. How much do we know about ourselves?

The gut reaction to this question would be “Of course I know myself…I am like this,…. I am like that, and so on. But do others agree with this self perception?

Aah…There we have a problem, don’t we? Of course, what everyone does have is a self-perceived image of self as he fancies others to  be perceiving him! Alas, if it is put to comparison with the corresponding file images of society, results could be quite different, sometimes disastrous. Complicated, isn’t it? I could help by complicating further when I add, as you of course know, that each one of us has multiple images in society other than the self-perceived one. Images formed by the spouse, the mother, the boss, the friend, the sibling etc could all be different from each other and also from the self-perceived image.

The images formed about us by others are based primarily on how we act or behave in various situations. Since our response to the same stimulus varies depending on the place, occasion, person or persons etc, it follows that the images too will be different. That also would explain why the same person is a hero to some, an ordinary person to others, and probably even a villain to others. 

Then who is the real person behind all these images? Again I am not referring to the Self of the Spiritualist but only to the ordinary self. Knowing one’s true nature to any reasonable extent is possible only by one self……..if one is prepared to look within …and honestly acknowledge things as and when they are seen.

Easy, is it? Think again. Imagine you have an uneasy feeling after seeing someone. He would be a person you instinctively dislike for some reason. But your conscious mind may not be aware of the reason for your sudden moodiness. If you really probe in your mind for the reason, it is there…. His presence has affected you! But then how many times we acknowledge such feelings even to ourselves? Dislike, hatred? “No no, I can’t be like that!”, “Do I feel envious on seeing a friend’s latest model car? No, no… not me. I am not like that!”, “Do I feel attracted to that person….Certainly not, I can’t be a sinner!”

What happens is that our puritanical sense of right and wrong kicks in and we get shocked when we try to confront our real feelings. But then they are only feelings and they are there, whether you accept them or not. Feelings or thoughts do not come and go at your behest. They are always there whether you are a sinner or a saint. They are as much a part of nature as the cold, heat or wind. You can ask your child not to go out in the cold. You cannot issue an ultimatum that she should not feel the cold!  Similarly there should not be any harm in just ‘recognising’ those feelings without actually acting upon them.

Of course one should not act on such negative feelings. But one probably can actually benefit by an inner honesty where we boldly confront ourselves as we are. Yogis say that even the mere act of recognising or ‘observing’ certain undesirable feelings or thoughts can get rid of them. Also, many psychologists have discussed the danger of these pent up emotions bursting the dam of tolerance if left unnoticed. How can we apply the balm of our acquired wisdom to alleviate these miseries if we are not even aware of them?

As it has been said by the wise, the courageous man also experiences fear when facing a dangerous situation. The difference between the brave and the cowardly is simply that the former has learnt to deal with his fears. The same logic can be extended to the man who is labeled ‘good’ versus the man labeled ‘bad’. The good man has probably learnt better to apply the appropriate controls in the journey of life- to avoid mishaps.

Except for that difference, it may be well said that every one of us  is on a journey, the destination being the same. We are at different  stages, that's all.   

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INTEGRITY AT THE WORK PLACE

 In many organizations there is a provision in the employee’s confidential report for his superior officers to rate the former’s integrity. Most often, it is required to just rate his/her integrity as ‘Above Board’ or ‘Questionable’. Needless to emphasize, rating as ‘Questionable’ would place a tremendous burden of responsibility on the evaluator to support this rating and call upon him to furnish proper justification and documentary evidence. Else, his integrity could be under a cloud!

The word ‘Integrity’ in the above context refers in the main to honesty and propriety in the employee’s official dealings and behavior vis-a-vis guidelines and procedures made by the company. Hence it follows that only such transactions which are tangible and offer themselves easily to scrutiny can be brought under the organization’s ‘integrity scanner’.

But does it really give the total picture of the integrity of a man at the work place? No, it doesn’t. There are many intangible but nevertheless clearly discernible qualities which go into the definition of a person’s integrity at work.

Integrity also implies:

·       Standing up for one’s subordinate when he is unwarrantedly harassed by one’s superior.

·       Not poaching a colleague’s or junior’s work to pass on as one’s own.

·       Acknowledging another’s merit and accepting one’s mistakes.

·       Protecting the dignity of a subordinate even while correcting him/her.

·       Praising in public and reprimanding- where required- in private.

·       Conveying disagreement or displeasure to the boss only in private.

·       Giving credit where due instead of ‘pilfering’ it.

·       Giving due respect- without being servile- to elders by age, superiors in rank and to all other colleagues in spite of differences and disagreements.

·     Being firm where required, though polite.

·     Never compromising on, or sabotaging work in spite of real or perceived injustice to self.

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Of Appearances and disappearances.

The respectable middle class restaurant was not very crowded that day. It was evening and my wife and I were among the few patrons at that time. Waiting for our food, my wife idly scanned the nearby tables for occupants.

“See how gruff looking that guy is!” she remarked at one lone huge guy next table as I hastened to hush her, lest he hear. The gruff guy also had a gruff voice and was giving staccato orders to the aging bearer who appeared a little harassed.

At another table there was a young decent looking pair of youngsters, who were very soft spoken and mild mannered. Soon, however, we forgot about them and got immersed in our evening snacks when they were served.

Suddenly, there was a lot of unusual commotion. The elderly bearer was standing near the gruff man’s table, though he was not to be seen. As we were wondering what happened, gruffie returned and said, shaking his head angrily, “The rotten fellows have bolted.”

From their talk, we could make out that the ‘decent’ youngsters had disappeared without paying their bill.

As the poor old bearer started sobbing that the money would be deducted from his salary, we were amazed to see the ‘gruff’ man patting his hand and declaring, “Bring their bill to me. I will pay.”

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Equilibrium

EQUILIBRIUM IN LIFE

Peace in Life is all about equilibrium.

There is an analogy in Nature itself.

Tranquility prevails in Nature so long as there is equilibrium…. i.e a balance of natural forces.

If there is an imbalance of air pressure, Nature brings back balance through hurricanes and tornadoes, causing, in the process property destruction, loss of lives and other calamities.

Earthquakes and resulting havoc are due to a shift in the delicate balance among the tectonic plates underneath.

Tranquility for humans also can be achieved only through equilibrium and conscious balancing in every aspect of life.

In relationships:

You need to identify your most important relationships...after all you have many roles to play… as a spouse, a son or daughter, a sister or brother and so on. You have to consciously maintain a proper balance (by doing tight rope walking, if required) to ensure peace and harmony in all these relationships and among your various roles. Tilting in any one direction (or even a perceived tilt) can cause emotional storms.

In desires:

Needless to say, a perfect balance between ‘want to have’ and ‘can have’, whatever be the nature of desire, is most desirable to avoid disasters of the physical, financial or emotional kind.

At work:

Many relationships have suffered at the altar of work, due to over diligence and ambition. Also, many careers have nosedived due to neglect of work for family’s sake.

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To make a small difference

To make a small difference.

Oh! To light a lamp at the altar of life; to bring some cheer to beings in strife.

In this context, I would like to share a beautiful anecdote I saw in the net:

While walking along a beach, a young gentleman saw an elderly man in the distance, leaning down. On coming closer, the young man saw that the elderly gentleman was picking up starfish painstakingly- one after the other- and throwing them back into the sea.

The young man, consumed with curiosity at this strange behavior, came closer still and called out, “Good morning, sir! May I ask what your grand plan is?”

The elderly man paused, looked up, and smiled, “Simple…throwing starfish back into the ocean.”

The tide had thrown up several thousands of starfish-struggling to breathe -on to the shore.

The young man smiled and asked again, “There are so many thousands of them…you can’t obviously save all of them. So what difference does it make, my good sir?”

 The elderly smiled again, and tossing yet another fish into the ocean, remarked, “There! I made a difference to that one.”

***

True, we do have the likes of Swami Vivekananda, Mother Teresa, Mahatma Gandhi, Abe Lincoln and so many others who have spent their entire life in the service of humanity. We also read nowadays about some inspired, highly educated young people who give up plum jobs in order to serve humbly in some rural area.

Obviously, not everyone can make such huge sacrifices since most have their own family commitments and other duties. Charity, as they say, begins at home. But like the starfish saving gentleman, every one of us can make small differences, at least, as per our capabilities. For example, one can decide not to drive such a hard bargain with the railway porter. Let him get a few rupees more than his due- his job is so tough! Or, one can restrain an impulse to bawl at the harassed waiter in a busy hotel. A trivial sum can often help a needy child to buy the school books or pay the tuition. There are so many ways to bring a little sunshine to a needy person’s life-and thereby to our own drab lives too.

Who knows, this kind act might dissuade someone from becoming a radical or criminal; another may be inspired to become a good Samaritan.

The touching poem by Ralph Waldo Emerson, defining true success, brings this sentiment out beautifully:

 “To laugh often and much;

To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;

To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends;

To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition;

To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.”

Read again the poem’s last lines: “--To know even one life has breathed easier because you lived. This is to have succeeded.”

What more needs to be said after the Guru has spoken!

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Appa Rao -A wonderful human being

Appa Rao-A wonderful human being

Appa Rao walked into our lives one day in the early 1990s when we were on the lookout for a Man- Friday to take care of my bedridden father.

Appa Rao introduced himself as the husband of our recently hired domestic help. Politely declining our offer of a seat, he plunked down and sat cross-legged on the floor, smiling at us. Being a dhobi by profession, he offered to wash our clothes, in addition to giving care to dad.

To be honest, we were a bit apprehensive at first. My work at the steel mill kept me away for several hours every day and that would imply leaving my young wife to deal with this robust middle aged man, in addition to my helpless dad and two young sons.

Appa Rao was tall, dark and well-built and probably into his late forties. He appeared to have the strength of a bull but his demeanor was gentle, reassuring and polite to a fault.

Our decision to hire him turned out to be among the best we had ever taken. In the twenty odd years of our association with him thereafter, we learnt a great lesson-that the bravest, gentlest soul can reside in a rough, unassuming exterior, troubled by chronic poverty.

My wife and I have not seen so many great human qualities built into one guy –and that an illiterate person who had never seen any school in his lifetime.

His commitment and loyalty were beyond comparison with anyone we ever knew. In all weather conditions, dry or wet, fair or foul, Appa Rao would appear at our door at almost the same time daily with his pearly smile. He took care of my heavily built dad effortlessly, attending to all his requirements and rituals without any annoyance or disgust. When dad finally breathed his last, it was the sobbing Appa Rao, who stood as an undertaker at the cremation ground- till ashes.

Incidentally, Appa Rao wore many hats so far as work was concerned. We knew this hard working guy as a dhobi, care giver, undertaker and even a bartender’s help. And he being essentially a dhobi, we could avail of his services even after dad’s demise.

Appa Rao’s Integrity was total and became legendary in the circles that he moved. Even his enemies had to grudgingly acknowledge that fact. Though he had six daughters to feed and marry off, he never took a single rupee or thing that did not belong to him. And temptations were indeed many. Even in our house, he could have easily knocked away at least a few rupees without our ever noticing because coins and rupees used to be scattered around. Our sons used to leave some coins carelessly in their trousers, only to be retrieved and handed over promptly by Appa Rao, when washing the clothes.

Once Appa Rao saw a man frantically searching for a gold necklace which had apparently fallen into the dust by accident near the liquor shop where Appa Rao was doing a part time job. Unfortunately the jewel could not be retrieved that day in spite of combined efforts of many there. It was Appa Rao who finally found it a couple of days later. Under the circumstances, since no one had seen him, he could have walked away with the jewel. But no way! He simply restored the necklace to the overjoyed owner, refusing any reward for his honesty.

Appa Rao’s fierce loyalty extended to his large family too,of course. Being dad to six daughters, he sometimes had a tough time keeping wannabe Romeos at bay. But knowing his no-nonsense approach and tough exterior, mischief makers were wary and kept their respectful distance from his family. During his lifetime, he was able to marry off every one of his six daughters,though it took a great toll on his health. He also had to depend on many loans and some help from well-wishers like us.

Talk of positive thinking or living, he was again the best we knew. We never heard him complaining about his plight or about the bone breaking labor he had to put in. He also seemed to have a wry sense of humor and practical solution to many problems he encountered, not only in his immediate family but in extended circles too. Once a teenage boy in their community was apparently ‘possessed’ by demons and was seen to be acting strangely. His family members, with their superstitious beliefs, were running to ‘witch doctors’, so to say, to exorcise the demons. Appa Rao, when he came to know, walked up to the boy and gave him a resounding slap. God only knows how, but the teenager snapped out of it!

Another admirable quality was his liberal,modern outlook on life, a rare thing for an uneducated man of his generation. When he found one of his sons-in-law to be a drunkard and an abusive wife beater, Appa Rao, after several warnings, took a stout stick and thrashed him, shouting, ‘Now get lost since you cannot change. I can take care of my daughter.’

How many educated Indian parents of old generation (or quite a few of new too) would have dared do such a thing? They will rather allow their daughters to suffer silently, blaming fate, destiny or karma.

The only weakness Appa Rao had was for the occasional ‘bottle’ of country liquor (And he had been frequently lectured to by my wife for that!). But he never harmed a fly, leave alone his family, under the influence of liquor.  

Alas, neither Appa Rao nor his faithful wife is alive today. It was a great personal loss to us when this karma yogi passed into eternity, after a brief illness. His wife, unable to bear the separation , went soon after.

Integrity, Commitment, Loyalty, Simplicity, Gentleness, Strength(both physical and mental), he had them all. What more to expect in a human being? That’s why, if there be any single person to whom I would bow my head in reverence, it is Appa Rao.

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Some thoughts on good communication

Communication skills-Can they make or mar your career

One skill which is essential as a common, powerful tool across all the bandwidths of various professions is the skill to communicate effectively. This one skill alone can make all the difference between a winning ‘horse’ and an ‘also ran’.

The ‘gift of the gab’ has always been extolled from beginning of human civilization. But as the pundits of communication will agree, communication skill is not about just talking incessantly or voluminously. On the contrary, the chatterboxes may be considered very poor in communication.

The Science of Communications has taken giant strides and facilitated communications at unbelievable speed between unimaginable distances. It has also enabled availability of modern technology to all at reasonable cost. In good old times, it is believed that people even used to rely on pigeons for conveying messages. Contrast that with today where people stay pigeon- holed in their rooms to send messages across the globe in seconds!  

But alas, the art of communication still continues to favor only a lucky few among us. Such gifted ones are destined to stride like a colossus amidst us, whatever their chosen calling. But there is no use feeling low about it as History tells us that this has been the case always. Guess what Chanakya, Birbal and Tenaliram had in common? Or, more recently, Churchill, Hitler and Mahatma Gandhi?

All were high priests of communication.

Most of us will be remembering the famous play ‘Julius Caesar’ and the speeches given by Mark Anthony and Brutus after Caesar’s death. In these scenes, immortalized by the great Shakespeare, the crowd mood is alternately swayed by the thundering, powerful speeches of the two rival orators.

Such is the power of communication. As said before, it is an inborn talent. But this skill can also be carefully nurtured with the guidance of modern communication experts.

Coming back to present times, it is the truly skilled communicator who manages to get plum jobs in almost any sector of employment. Other things being equal (or even a little unequal!) it is the person who presents himself or herself most agreeably in interviews and group discussions that walks off with the job in any campus. The same principle holds good later in the career development. The ascent is generally faster and smoother for the intelligent communicator. Unfortunately, quite a few professionals with many other capabilities but who lack this skill fail to make it to the position they deserve to attain.

So what is intelligent communication? This leads us to the inevitable question of what qualities make the difference between a successful communicator and the rest. As the Gurus keep telling, good listening, eye contact, proper body language and appropriate vocabulary are some of the vital requirements.

While there can be no dispute on that, it is also important to understand as to what is the single most important underlying trait that showcases all these other qualities of the gifted communicator. This trait is Emotional Intelligence. This inborn asset, in formidable combination with fluency of language, brings out the best in oral communication. 

The emotionally intelligent person adapts his style to the personality traits of the superior, customer, peer or any other stake holder who is important to him or her. He rather customizes his communication to the individual, in order to oil the wheels of the ongoing transaction. For example, if the person in question is a ‘no-nonsense, shoot first and then ask questions’ type, the typically intelligent communicator would be brief, polite and to the point with him. On the other hand, if the other guy is a jovial, ‘beat around the bush’ type, then again, his EI will enable an appropriate approach. The person of high EI also will take into account other vital factors like the prevailing mood and other engagements of the other guy.

An interesting anecdote from my own work experience might be useful as an example. In the initial days of my career, when I had need for a few days leave, I approached my boss for sanction. The time was around 12 noon. This gentleman, who was known for his gruff behavior, shooed me away angrily. Noting this with amusement, a senior colleague of mine called me aside and advised me to go to the boss with the same request, but after around 1.30 PM, when Mr. Gruffy would have had his lunch and hence have a full tummy. On following this advice, I found to my utter astonishment that his response was now very friendly. He was smiling at me, gently patting his stomach all the while with great satisfaction. And I got my leave instantly!

This was an important lesson to me ….. Not only the tone and content, but the timing is also very important in all matters of communication.

Another interesting anecdote involving Napoleon will serve to show the remarkable presence of mind of a soldier. While inspecting one of his Army Divisions, the French Emperor was walking past the soldiers smartly standing in rapt attention. While passing him, one of the soldiers whose promotion was overdue, suddenly summoned the courage to say, “Your Highness, I would like say a word, if you permit.” The Emperor paused a second, smiled sardonically and said, “OK, meet me tomorrow, but remember, only one word!”. The soldier next day boldly made out his own promotion order on a sheet of paper, and thrusting it at Napoleon, simply told the wonderstruck Emperor, “Sign”.

The bemused Napoleon signed and the soldier got his promotion!

On many occasions, I have watched sadly when a friend or colleague was being bawled at by his superior while discussing some issue. In most of these cases, there never was any real dispute on the subject being discussed. As mentioned earlier, the problem, as it would turn out later, was always with the timing, tone or the way the matter was presented. I have also been ripped apart for similar reasons.  Once, while reporting a breakdown, I told, quite truthfully, while replying to a very senior officer’s query, “This breakdown keeps happening, sir.” He tore me apart, in fury. Later, another colleague reported that he had told the same fact to the same boss, but he had received the feedback quietly.

He reportedly said, “This equipment does trouble us once in a way, sir, but we are working on how to overcome the problem.”

Overcome indeed! To my knowledge, the problem persists till today. The wise gentleman had simply told what his superior wanted to hear.

Truth is indeed important, but the packaging makes all the difference, especially if you want to hurry up the ladder of success.

The points discussed above hold good for written communications also. Always, an effective communicator has to keep in mind the mindset of the person who is going to receive the message. 

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